September 6, 2010

Evalie Says...

I guess I need to start in the future and explain why this post of September 6th is happening in mid October. I am reminded of my sixth grade year and my diary. You see after my brother, Chad, passed away, I wrote only a few words..." My brother died and that is all I want to say."...
I guess I want to write the same today....

My Aunt Annie died.

My heart is broken once again by the pain of death. One would assume after having so much loss in my life, my heart will heal faster. The thing is that every time that someone near me dies, my heart aches so much more for those who have gone before me. For the ones that have molded me into who I am. The ones that I would do anything to spend one more minute with. The ones I miss every day....

So what happened...

You see, my Uncle Paul had text me while I was up at my sisters' houses for Labor Day Weekend to meet Kennedy. I had text him back and forth, but he basically just wanted me to check in with him when I got back to town. I knew deep down in my heart that something was wrong. I knew that her chemo wasn't going well, and I found myself very nervous when he text. When I got back to town that evening, I was informed that she was in the hospital due to some mild complications from her chemo. She had broken out into hives. Uncle Paul made it sounds like things were okay. I decided to stay away from the hospital because I had a cold, and I knew that germs were the last thing she needed.

On Tuesday, I talked with her on the phone in the evening, but she didn't sounds too great. She seemed to be out of it and heavily medicated. It felt like I was talking to my mother. It really shook me up to think of her in the same condition as mom. I began to get nervous because Paul mentioned that she had multiple infections now. I told Paul that I would touch base with them after work the next day, and I tried to pray that things were going to be okay. In all reality I was so scared. If something happened to Annie, I would no longer have that go-to mother figure in my life. All I ready would have left would be my sisters (who I must mention are my mother and now my Annie in disguise).

And then Wednesday hit like a storm! She was moved into ICU and not only did she have infections but now had a staph infection. I went straight to the hospital after work to spend time with Paul in the waiting room. Things didn't look good for us. My cousin, Molly, was flown in from Tennessee. All I could do is just be there. All of the cousin in the following days gathered together along with my dad and my Uncle Tom. Through the next few days things seemed to remain stable, but there didn't seem to be any sort of improvement in her condition. One function would improve while the other would decrease. The infections kept taking it out of her.

On Saturday, she came a little responsive. She smiled at me, which was amazing. She kinda shook her head when I said to her, "It's Evalie, your favorite niece." It made my day! But in the end, things didn't go our way.

On Monday after noon, it was decided to let her go. Her kidneys had failed and there was nothing left for us to do to save her....to keep her here with us.

It was a long few hours as we made her comfortable and said our good-byes. It was one of the hardest things I have ever experiences in my life, and I'm no stranger to death. I will never forget that moment holding Paul and Molly in that hospital room, making those phone calls, and returning home from the hospital to my own family. Those memories are forever etched inside me along with so many other ones of letting go of my loved ones.

So needless to say on September 6th my life become knocked off course. My 356 project took a hit. I took pictures here and there, but there isn't a picture for every day. Even now, I find myself having a hard time taking a picture when my mind seems too preoccupied with so much more. So, I don't have a picture for every day, and I can't post a picture for each day the past month and a half. But, what I can do is post what I have and hope to jump back on the wagon.

I want to do it for Annie, she always liked my pictures and stories.